Waking Up For The First Time ♡

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Fuck everything. I love my friends, but I can’t keep faking these smiles. 

My dear followers, I need your help.

Dose anyone know of any good inpatient treatment centers for depression in New York state?

This is a minor emergency.

I’m so sorry.

To everyone involved in this. No one is going to walk away unscathed, or even remotely happy about whatever the outcome may be. It’s an abysmal situation and I can’t fix it with words. So I will apologize, whole heartedly, and hope to god that everyone involved will be okay.

Can’t decide whether or not to admit myself.

I don’t sleep anymore. I haven’t eaten a meal in days. And yes, you’re right, I can’t smile, because anytime I try to I just break down in tears once more.

I’m taking a break from derby… I can’t take my problems out on my team-mates like I did last night ever again.

I’ve dropped my summer class as a preemptive strike against flunking out “due to extenuating circumstances” because I can’t really say, hey professor, sorry I didn’t do the assignment; My wrist was too swollen to write.

I don’t want to go to CPEP. Turns out they only really admit the lunatics, not just the poor saps that want to off themselves. So it would just be a waste of time.

Why did I have to get kicked in the teeth by so many bad things all at once?

I guess when it rains it pours. 

Teddy’s been sleeping with a bunch of girls behind my back, all the while keeping me as his little side project, letting me think he still loved me.

My father hates me. The only time he calls me, is to tell me how disappointed he is with me. It’s okay Alain, I’d hate having me as a daughter too.

Jen broke my heart a long, long time ago. She made me leave a life I was comfortable with, and look at where it got me.

My mother’s alcoholism has gotten so much worse. I can’t be there once the sun is down anymore because by that point she’s already too incoherent to converse with. Maybe you were right Mom, maybe I should have just killed myself all those years ago.

And then there’s Patrick. I’m not even sure what to say about you. I think that most of these people have screwed me over worse than you have, however you were my breaking point. I allowed myself to fall and be happy, and believe that maybe, just maybe, I would be okay. That I could have been a healthy, normal girl, who didn’t cry herself to sleep every night. Clearly I was sadly mistaken. 

My love for the human race is officially in the gutter. 

I’d like nothing more than to end it all right now, & forget this sickening state of affairs.